Saturday, 29 October 2011

The Haunting by Rayyan

 It was a cold night and I could hear the wind blow outside. Itwas mid January and winter was at it’s peak. My friends were coming over to myplace that night for a sleep over. This was the first time my parents hadallowed me to call me friends over for the whole night. I was really excited.
   After having dinner, I started waitinganxiously for my friends to come. The door bell rang and I rushed to greet myfriends. It was Kareem and Moeed, two of my closest friends. They had theirbags with them, and I could tell that they were more excited than me, bylooking at their faces. We settled down in my room and started playing games onmy xbox immediately. We didn’t realize how time flew and we kept playing on. Itwas now 2 o clock in the morning. We decided to watch an action movie, which wewere all really fond of. We started watching the movie as soon as I brought thepopcorn and the cold drinks.
   I was used to going to sleep ataround 12 o clock everyday, but today was different. I wasn’t sleepy at all,and I could stay up all night doing stuff like this. We finished watching themovie and no one of us was feeling sleepy at all. We didn’t know what to donext. We had all night left and we had no idea what we should do. We started toget bored. There was nothing we could think of, when suddenly something came tomy mind. I remembered my elder brother telling me that he was going forhunting with his friends in a few days, and he asked me not to tell about it tomy parents. He also told me that he was going to keep the gun he’s going to usein my closet, so that mom doesn’t find out about his plan. I quickly rushed tothe closet and took out the gun, although I knew I wasn’t supposed to. I showedthe gun to my friends. They were delighted to see it, as all of us were obsessedwith guns, but obviously not real ones. I wasn’t sure if the gun had bullets init, and I didn’t know how to check. So wejust assumed that the gun was empty, and started examining it.
   I tried not to hand over the gun tomy friends, but Kareem was insisting a lot, so I decided just to let him use itfor a while. He was playing around with the gun, something from which I shouldhave stopped him. It was a real gun, not a toy, and it wasn’t meant to beplayed with. Before I could say anything, I heard a shot fire and I realizedthat it hit Moeed. He slumped over on the floor, blood dripping from his chest.I didn’t know what to do. I suddenly heard the door open. It was my brother andmy dad, rushing into the room, awaken by the sound of the fire. Moeed had lost consciousness.Before I could tell my dad anything, he quickly picked Moeed up and carried himoutside to the car. I was terrified. I couldn’t believe what I had justwitnessed. My friend was almost dying, all because of my stupid mistake.
   “Am I going to be okay uncle?”Moeed managed to speak, although just talking was draining him. My dad almosthad tears in his eyes, looking at his condition. I was more afraid than I hadever been in my life, and I was afraid that Moeed might die while beingtransported to the hospital. It was all my fault that he was laying, probablydying, just because I let my friend play with that gun. We got to the hospitalmoments later, Moeed still hanging on to life. He was quickly taken forsurgery, and I could not get over the fact that it was all my fault.
    After waiting for an hour, thedoctor came out. He told us that they were able to save Moeed, but he would notbe able to walk for the rest of his life. He was paralyzed. The look on Moeed’sparents’ faces made me want to kill myself. Had I not taken the gun out, thiswould have never happened. I knew that I would not be able to forgive myselffor this mistake for the rest of my life. I was feeling guilty like anything,and I completely deserved to feel that way.

9 comments:

  1. It seems you have spent all your time showing what could lead to the haunting....but other than that lets look at how you have fulfilled the criteria....
    Short Story - Yes
    The Haunting - ?
    Terror - ?
    Horror - ?
    Grade - 2/10

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  2. Terror: When the friend gets shot, and I'm terrified looking at his condition as I don't have any idea of what to do.
    Guilt: When we're going to the hospital, I feel guilty and keep blaming myself. The ending is full of guilt too i.e 'Had I not taken the gun out, thiswould have never happened. I knew that I would not be able to forgive myself for this mistake for the rest of my life. I was feeling guilty like anything,and I completely deserved to feel that way.'

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  3. How did your brother get a gun? Its not easy to get a gun illegally. Why would he put it in your closet by the way? Why would he put it any closet? He would hide it somewhere where NO ONE could find it.
    and How did moeed manage to speak when he was unconscious? I dont think someone can gain conscious after losing it when they get shot.

    And ANYONE who uses a gun turns on the safety lock first when its not in use. Someone just cannot get shot like that man.

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  4. And yeah, no guilt, no horror.
    It would had been better if you had written it after your friend gets paralyzed or died and you're guilty about that.

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  5. Now really? Every other person I know who goes for hunting has a gun in their house, and as far as I know none of them has a license for that.
    Secondly, he does put it at a place where no one can find it. He tells me just because he knows I'm not going to tell anyone in the house about it.
    Fyi, people CAN speak when they're unconscious, whether they've been shot or been involved in an accident. I never said he gained consciousness.
    This was the first time I had a real gun in my hand, how do you expect me to know about the safety lock?

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  6. No horror, I agree. Guilt is throughout the story. It's not necessary that you have to feel guilty only if the person dies. Looking at his condition and his parents made me feel guilty because it was all my fault. If he didn't die, that doesn't mean I start to feel happy about what I did.

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  7. the genre of the story is tragic. it's written as first person point of view.
    the authors purpose was to show how irresponsible children are as they have no idea how risky such things are and what the consequences can be. there is no terror in the story, whereas as very little guilt.

    as far as language is concerned, there were no similes metaphors or personifications used.
    in the first paragraph it was only a serious of events being listed, we did this, then this, and then thought of doing this etc.
    the plot is very vague.
    and can be made better.
    as far as a gun is concerned, why would anyone hide it in a boys cupboard, without being aware if it's loaded or not.and there should be no guns in the children's possesion.

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  8. "I was terrified"

    "My ears echoed with the loud pounding of my heart beat, my hands shook and a cold feeling of dread spread over my chest. i tired to speak but no words came"

    Can you see the difference? in one it is told. in one it is shown. That makes a significant difference. And mentioning terror and guilt in two places does not mean that they are apparent throughout the story which is what the essay requires

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