Saturday, 29 October 2011

The Haunting by Farah Idrees

Samina stared on the falling orange-red leaves falling downthe trees. The crest-fallen sunset; dried leaves all over the ground; and thetime for her husband’s return was as depressing as the thought of dying but toher the thought of dying soon was more soothing than this. She stood up fromthe grey dead bench of her dried garden; cursing her fate she made her way toher luxurious kitchen that was beyond her dreams but now gave her no smiles.The meal was ready and she lurched to a wall. Her body was aching due to theharsh thrashing by Zia, her husband. Samina’s parents had accepted the proposalfrom the family of Zia just because Zia was rich and they thought that theirdaughter will be happy with all the luxuries of this world but little did theyknow how terrible Samina’s life will be. Zia had a horrendous childhood withher step-mother who used to beat him on every mistake he commenced. Suchtreatment turned him into a ruthless man. Samina had always thought of immenseopulence and richness but now she just wanted a shoulder to cry on; a calm andcaring hand; a pleasant and happy life. Now she understood how wealth is noteverything? How wealth cannot buy her smiles?
“Tringgggg ….” Went the door bell and her heart sank. Shebarged towards the door in no time to avoid the fury of Zia. She hauled thedoor and managed to greet Zia properly. Her heart was in her mouth. Everythingwas ready for Zia. The dinner was ready on the dining table; the towel was inthe bathroom with her clean ironed clothes. Samina waited at the bathroom doorwith a jug of water and a glass. She started pouring water into the glass assoon as Zia came out of the bathroom while visualizing what mistake will makehim enraged….Ooopps…the glass had overflowed… Zia slapped Samina and the glassbroke to pieces that scattered over the beautiful floor. Samina started sobbingand Zia screamed at the top of his voice and a stab of fear fit Samina hard. Hestood still as a stone for a minute; his clenched fist; his diamond hard glareat Samina making her pulse rate faster.
She moved back until the walls of the room became prisoncage that was impossible to escape. She wailed in despaired and Zia startedwhipping her.  She screamed, shouted butnobody came to help…Then  Zia, as usualsat in the corner of the room in sheer confusion laughing and crying. He shriekedloudly petrifying Samina. He felt on the wrong side of the law but somewhere inhis heart he felt satisfied. This was this revenge..
He thought of his dreadful childhood that filled his with panic.He was muddled  and grasped in horror.How his step-mother used to beat him on every minute mistake and then howdreary he went and called it a day by killing her. How he went so pitiless…heyelled at the peak of his voice…”…noooo don’t beat me nooo!!!...”  he felt blameworthy about doing the samething that have encountered him and sobbed his heart out…and he fell unconscious..


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  2. stared on the falling orange-red leaves falling downthe trees

    stared at the tress shedding their withered leaves

  3. LOVE the "crest-fallen sunset".
    You did not need to mention that she was depressed, we can deduce that.
    I like the concept. The questions to ask yourself - is it a complete short story? Did you bring out the terror and guilt in a balanced manner? Could you really classify this as The Haunting?
    As a grade I would settle on a 5/10 for now. Feel free to contest the grades I put up, if you feel your work has strengths that I may have ignored.

  4. The words "haunting" make me think of something eerie and chilling. It's fine that you chose to make it an emotional haunting but it didnt seem significant enough. it starts from Samina and ends with Zia and his thoughts so some where along the lines, it loses the impact i think you were going for. Personally, having been introduced to samina and having understood her history and misery, i would have preferred if you had continued with her as your central focus. you could have shown zia through her eyes, complete with her fear and confusion as he becomes manic in the end and she realizes he's been punishing her for a crime she hasnt committed.